From Shame to Responsibility: How to Help Children Learn from Their Mistakes
By Tom Grimwood 10th April 2026
As a children’s mindset coach, I spend a lot of time telling children that there’s no such thing as a ‘bad’ emotion. Emotions are signals our brain needs to help assess our current situation. They come and go like the clouds. How important they are is really for you to decide.
In fact, one of my favourite ways to introduce a new bit of learning with a child is to tell them that I want them to feel scared, or angry or whatever the situation calls for. It usually provokes enough confusion to keep them listening for longer.
We need all of our emotions to experience the fullness and richness that is life. Now, with all that said, there is one exception I make to this: shame.
Can you think or a more useless emotion? Anger? That has its uses. As awful as it can be to feel extremely angry, we feel anger for a good reason. Would humanity have made great strides in combatting injustice without anger?
What about fear? Again, fear helps to keep us alive and be alert to potential threats. Sadness points us towards the things that matter most to us.
But shame? What is its use?
Sure, a little bit of shame is useful to help us correct our behaviour when it is potentially harmful. However, it rarely works that way.
Shame likes to stick around long after it has ceased to be useful, lingering in our thoughts, hanging off of us and keeping us stuck in a past that would otherwise have been long resolved. Ever been perfectly fine and then reminded of that one thoughtless comment you made years ago? Here’s shame to remind you!
I also think this is where shame can be counterproductive. It hurts to feel shame. And in my years teaching, I saw children bend over backwards to avoid taking the blame for their mistakes – and thereby delaying resolution – because of what shame does.
It’s that voice that says, “I am a bad person.” We know in our conscious brain that it isn’t true and that we can move on, but it is a powerful internal narrative.
Shame likes to stick around long after it has ceased to be useful.
Blame asks who needs to be punished, while shame asks how. Responsibility asks what needs to be done now to put this right.
That’s why a core thing I teach the children I work with is the concept of responsibility.
Responsibility is the antidote to shame. It is forward facing, solutions-focussed and places power and choice back into your own hands.
There is no blame or shame here. Things happen and we are responsible for what we do next – for how we respond.
Blame asks who needs to be punished, while shame asks how. Responsibility asks what needs to be done now to put this right.
Take an example I see in schools almost every day.
Children are playing. Maybe they get a bit physical or a bit rough and someone gets hurt.
The hurt child, naturally, needs an adult to help them. They may need first aid (usually a magic paper towel) and a bit of comfort.
But how do we respond to the child who hurt them? When I was at school, it would likely have meant a time out or an official warning – in other words, blame and its counterpart – shame.
I see it time and time again, the desperate pleas of a child that they meant no harm, how it was an accident, how it wasn’t their fault because of reasons.
That is a child who is trying to protect their self-esteem, because shame – and the way we deal with these situations – has turned taking responsibility for what went wrong into a threat to their self-esteem.
And bear in mind that these are often highly thoughtful, conscientious children who are the first to jump in and help when someone else is hurt.
Their instinct to avoid shame overrides their normal moral impulse to do what’s right.
Now, I’m not saying you should never punish children when they do wrong. If such accidents continue to happen and become part of a pattern, then clearly this child is failing to take responsibility to change their behaviour and keep their peers safe.
Likewise, there are plenty of occasions where behaviour is deliberate but the child didn’t anticipate the outcome to be as serious as it was. I remember seeing a clip online of a child in America who had made a false report to police being arrested for tying up police resources and potentially endangering someone else’s safety.
It’s an extreme example, I know, but taking responsibility means accepting that our actions can have unanticipated consequences. Sometimes, life can be a cruel teacher.
I wonder what serves the injured party better in a situation like when a child accidentally hurts another on the playground. Somehow, I don’t think putting a child in time out undoes the hurt caused.
Sure, they may have got retribution but then both children likely have to continue to be in the same class a few minutes later. The better option would be to help the child to do what they can to repair the harm.
You have caused harm, whether you meant it or not, so let’s take responsibility to help repair it – apologise, sit with the other child, help them to feel better. At their best, this is what restorative practices in schools do.
You have caused harm… so let’s take responsibility to help repair it.
I want children to make mistakes. I want them to understand where those mistakes come from. I want them to learn how to accept responsibility to help put them right.
Childhood is ultimately about learning how to live. It’s about being a safe time to make mistakes whilst the consequences are relatively minor. To learn how to handle our emotions in those moments so that we don’t repeat those mistakes when we’re older.
Teaching children to take responsibility is about developing their character, saying to them that we understand they are still learning and we do not judge them for their mistakes, especially when those mistakes come from being overwhelmed, unsure or inexperienced.
It’s like when you learn to drive for the first time. As a driver, you are responsible for the safety of other road users and you should do your best to act in a way that keeps everyone safe. Your relative lack of experience means that your instructor has a joint responsibility to train you and keep others safe.
That’s what adults do for children. As their capacity grows, we gradually pass on more and more responsibility to them. And the only way we do that safely is by helping to separate responsibility from shame.
Childhood is ultimately about learning how to live.
Let’s suppose your child is struggling with taking responsibility for their actions. Maybe they lie to you about the things they’ve done or try to blame someone or something else for what happened?
We can’t expect children to stop doing that on their own if they still fear a culture which imposes shame on them for their mistakes. As adults, we should be deliberate and intentional in promoting a culture of openness, honesty and repair. Here are some things to think about doing:
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We all make them. It’s a part of being human. How can we expect to hold children to a standard if we don’t hold ourselves to the same standard? Promote self-awareness, self-compassion and taking responsibility for putting things right.
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One of the biggest things children fear is losing the respect of the people they respect most. You’re allowed to be surprised and disappointed in your child’s behaviour and you have a responsibility to ensure that your child knows they are loved, accepted and cared for regardless of the mistakes they make. Do your best to remain calm and measured in how you respond. Be curious, not angry.
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You are not your behaviour. Avoid language which describes the child as bad or at fault. Criticise the behaviour, the choice rather than the person. And where possible, show them the consequences that their actions can have to teach them why certain behaviours are wrong.
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Your role is to help your child understand where their behaviour has come from, the impact it has and how to repair the consequences. That doesn’t mean you shield them from all consequences. After all, plenty of defence lawyers secure guilty pleas in order to defend their client’s best interests. It means the child knows that even when you do have to implement consequences it’s because you have their longer term interests at heart.
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We cannot change the past. Once something is done, it’s done. We may wish things were different but there’s little point in dwelling on what we can’t change, once we’ve drawn the lessons from it. Help the child to look to the things they can still influence and change.
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, children can become stuck in patterns of blame, avoidance or negative self-talk. Coaching provides a dedicated space for children to reflect on their experiences, understand their behaviour and develop the confidence to take responsibility without feeling defined by their mistakes.
If you'd like to explore whether coaching could support your child, click on the button below to learn more.
About the Author
Tom Grimwood is a children’s mindset coach and the founder of Identity Coaching. With over a decade of experience working in schools, he helps children develop confidence, resilience and self-awareness so they can face challenges and grow into the best version of themselves.
He is committed to practising what he preaches by making new mistakes on a regular basis.
