How to Help Your Child Become More Confident
By Tom Grimwood 10th July 2026
Imagine you’re sitting on a plane, flying away on holiday, when suddenly the aircraft hits turbulence and warning lights begin flashing.
A steward approaches you with some alarming news.
“The pilots have been taken ill. We’ve selected you to land the plane.”
I’m going out on a limb here and assuming that almost everyone reading this — like me — is not a trained pilot. How would you react?
Personally, my anxiety would shoot through the roof. My hands would shake, my mind would race and I’d probably feel like being sick. Being in a frightening situation like that is bad enough — but now you want me to take responsibility for the lives of everyone on board? No chance.
“Don’t worry,” the steward says reassuringly. “We’ll guide you, and someone from Air Traffic Control will tell you exactly what to do.”
Well, that’s alright then! I guess I can stop feeling anxious and scared.
Except we all know that’s not how emotions work.
A little reassurance — a simple “don’t worry” — doesn’t magically remove fear. I still lack the confidence to land the plane, and I would very much prefer that someone else do it for me.
Now, the scenario above is extremely unlikely to happen to any of us. But children regularly experience situations that can feel just as overwhelming in their world.
Starting school. Moving schools. Exams. Changes during puberty. Friendship struggles. Pressure to fit in. Social media. Moving house. A parent losing a job. Divorce. Loss. Bullying.
These experiences are enormous for children’s emotional lives.
If you told me “don’t worry” while I was being asked to land a crashing plane, I think I’d reserve the right to be a little cross with you. Fear, worry and anxiety would be perfectly appropriate responses to that situation.
The same is true for children. Their fears, worries and anxieties are often completely reasonable responses to the situations they face.
It is normal to feel this way when you lack experience and proof that you can handle what’s in front of you.
Children regularly experience situations that can feel just as overwhelming
We don’t rise to the occasion. We fall to the lowest level of our conditioning.
I sometimes marvel when watching sport and seeing players perform at their very best in the most tense moments.
Think of the Lionesses winning the Euros on penalties. Tennis players serving out Wimbledon finals. Gymnasts somehow landing on their feet every time.
We often say athletes “rise to the occasion”.
In reality, something else is happening.
In times of high stress and challenge, we don’t rise to the occasion — we fall to the lowest level of conditioning.
How was Serena Williams able to hit the perfect serve on championship point time and time again?
Because she had hit that serve thousands of times in practice. She had built the mental and physical conditioning to reproduce the same motion again and again — even when the stakes were at their highest.
So when we throw children into new and challenging situations, their fear, anxiety and desire to withdraw make perfect sense.
They simply lack the conditioning to fall back on.
Our role as adults who care about children’s wellbeing is to help them build that conditioning.
So how do we help children build the conditioning they need to feel confident and capable when facing challenges?
The good news is that the brain is always building conditioning and patterns — both consciously and unconsciously. The key is learning how to work with those patterns.
Take a simple example.
When you put your socks or shoes on each day, which foot do you start with?
Many people always start with the same foot without even thinking about it. For me, it’s my right foot every time. If I try to start with my left foot instead, it feels strangely uncomfortable — like breaking a pattern my brain has become used to.
Our brains do this constantly. They build patterns and conditioned responses based on our past experiences, beliefs, values, focus and emotions.
Why do some people cry when they’re shouted at? Because their brain has learned that this response helps protect them.
Why do others shout back? Because their brain has learned that fighting back is the fastest way to stop the situation.
Both responses are the brain’s protective instincts at work. Both have been conditioned and reinforced over time.
But what worked once isn’t always the best response today.
The brain is always building conditioning and patterns.
Their automatic responses are simply the brain trying its best to help.
This is where coaching can help.
When I coach children, I help them understand that their automatic responses are simply the brain trying its best to help.
I often explain it using the idea of a ship.
The child is the captain. The captain is always in charge.
But when things become difficult and the captain isn’t sure what to do, the crew — the brain’s automatic responses — step in and try to guess what the captain would want.
Sometimes the crew gets it right. Sometimes it doesn’t.
And as children grow older, responses that once worked may no longer be the best approach.
Coaching gives children the opportunity to look at areas of life where things feel challenging — whether that’s school, friendships, bullying or something else — and ask a powerful question:
“How would I like this to be instead?”
Within what the child can control, we work together with both the child and their parents to build the conditioning required to make that change possible.
Over time, children become better at recognising and managing their emotional responses. They build confidence, develop valuable life skills and gain an advantage that will support them well into the future.
Coaching isn’t right for everyone, of course. But there are some general principles that can help all children build confidence over time.
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Confidence rarely appears before we try something difficult. Instead, it develops gradually through experience. Each time a child faces a challenge and discovers that they can handle it, their confidence grows.
You can help children take those first steps by:
• encouraging them to try things in small, manageable steps rather than all at once
• reminding them of similar situations they have handled successfully before
• staying nearby so they can borrow your calm while they attempt something new
• praising effort and persistence, not just outcomes -
Feeling nervous or unsure when doing something new is normal. Those feelings are signals that something unfamiliar is happening — not proof that the situation is impossible. When children learn to interpret their emotions rather than be ruled by them, they gain greater control over their responses.
You can help by:
• acknowledging the feeling without dismissing it (“I can see this feels scary”)
• reminding children that feelings change over time
• asking questions like “What do you think might actually happen?”
• exploring different possible outcomes, not just the worst one -
It’s tempting to remove all difficulty from a child’s life. But confidence grows when children experience challenge and learn that they can handle it. Supporting children through discomfort — rather than rescuing them from it — helps them develop the belief that they are capable.
You can support this by:
• allowing children to struggle productively rather than stepping in immediately
• helping them break big challenges into smaller steps
• modelling calm problem-solving when things don’t go to plan -
Failure is not the opposite of success — it is often part of the journey towards it. When children are given opportunities to fail safely and learn from the experience, they develop resilience and the ability to try again.
You can help children learn this by:
• sharing stories from your own life where things didn’t go to plan at first
• asking “What could we try differently next time?”
• treating mistakes as learning opportunities rather than problems to avoid -
There will always be someone braver, smarter, faster or more successful. Constantly comparing ourselves to others robs us of the satisfaction of our own progress. Encouraging children to focus on their own growth helps them build healthier confidence.
You can help children focus on their own growth by:
• celebrating personal improvement rather than rankings or results
• reminding them that everyone learns at a different pace
• encouraging them to notice how far they have come
Teach and apply these principles consistently and, over time, the brain will begin to use them automatically.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve been hiding in the aeroplane toilet for so long that the crew are threatening to break the door down.
It looks like I may have to land this plane after all.
Every child develops confidence at their own pace. For some families, having structured guidance can make that journey easier.
If you’d like to learn more about how coaching works and whether it might be the right support for your child, you can read more about the process here.
About the Author
Tom Grimwood is a children’s mindset coach and the founder of Identity Coaching. With over a decade of experience working in schools, he helps children develop confidence, resilience and self-awareness so they can face challenges and grow into the best version of themselves.
He wishes it to be known that he has never flown a plane and any references to doing so are purely fictitious.
